i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
