today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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