I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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