Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
