Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I need a beard to bite.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
