Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
