so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
