I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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