Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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