hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
