There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We need to get me chipped asap
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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