Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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