please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
