You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
