I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
