If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
