In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
