He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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