my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
