what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize