Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
