he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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