i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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