I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
