the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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