it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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