I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
God, I missed his penis.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
