I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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