I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
