You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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