The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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