Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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