Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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