I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
