Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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