i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
