I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
