Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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