i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
