You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
