She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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