I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
