you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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