First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
