is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
