last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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