I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
