you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize