I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
