Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize