There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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