Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize