How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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