im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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