I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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