Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
