Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
