What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
