He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
