I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
