Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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