I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
