mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
